100th Post! Relationship Advice and Black Metal Wednesday- The Explanation for Those Mormon Dorks and Black Witchery/Conqueror split- Hellstorm of Evil Vengeance (2000)

This is StoneOfTheSwamp’s 100th post! Today’s relationship advice is about why those 18 year old Mormon dorks go around in the heat of the summer wearing black dress-pants, bicycle helmets and camel-packs; the explanation is based in relationships.
Sunday afternoon sitting on the porch a pair of these clowns comes walking down the street. First they start talking at the ich-crew across the street. Drug addicts the ich-crew might be, but they are polite, because they listened to those twits for a good five minutes before Mormon-Pineapple (thus named for his complexion) finally got the hint that ichy-prego and ichy-greasy didn’t care, so he and Mormon-Pepperoni took that as their que to strike up a conversation with me and Kenny.
These religious dingle-berries prey upon people’s common courtesy and natural inclination not to be totally rude to strangers and use it against them by preaching about things that they already know and obviously don’t care about, so when he started towards us I gave him the finger, told him what I thought of him while letting the dog stalk menancly into the yard growing with raised fur. Then they got the hint and left.
Kenny looks at me with raised eyebrows and I explained; All the Mormon kids have to do that crap or a year of missionary work overseas. They send the boys off preaching hoping that they wander away, because if all of the girls are married off to a few old men, then something obviously has to be done with the males of the same age; a large number of late teen/early twenties males not getting laid is a social time-bomb waiting to happen. Besides for that, what type of fucked-up society is that where only a select few limp-dicked old men get laid? They also have “Magic Underwear” which protects the anointed few from evil… pretty queer evil if underwear keeps it at bay, but whatevesies.
My point is that those two don’t even know why they are sweating their asses off in the Florida heat wearing fucking bicycle helmets, so I don’t care what they have to say.
In fact, it would probably have been nice if I told those two what time it is.
A couple of hours later coming back from Starbucks I see that same pair talking to a chunky blonde Cougar, and she was defiantly interested, just not in what they had to say. By the looks of it she had plans for both of them too. And they just stood there babbling away.
While riding away it struck me that by the end of the night that blonde was going to have a bicycle helmet clinched tightly between her thighs, beating the top of it with a wooden spoon while screaming “Mush!”…
And thus Mormon society relieves itself of two more young men…

Black Witchery is a local band from Winter Springs playing Blackened-Death metal.
I met them once at Josh’s, cool guys… actually I had been drinking and all I remember is saying something a little off-color and getting some fucked-up looks from them. OK, it was really off-color.
But anyway this band is great not only for the music and that they are locals, but they are also one of the old Black Metal bands that are lesser known, great all around.


Black Witchery@MySpace