100th Post! Relationship Advice and Black Metal Wednesday- The Explanation for Those Mormon Dorks and Black Witchery/Conqueror split- Hellstorm of Evil Vengeance (2000)

This is StoneOfTheSwamp’s 100th post! Today’s relationship advice is about why those 18 year old Mormon dorks go around in the heat of the summer wearing black dress-pants, bicycle helmets and camel-packs; the explanation is based in relationships.
Sunday afternoon sitting on the porch a pair of these clowns comes walking down the street. First they start talking at the ich-crew across the street. Drug addicts the ich-crew might be, but they are polite, because they listened to those twits for a good five minutes before Mormon-Pineapple (thus named for his complexion) finally got the hint that ichy-prego and ichy-greasy didn’t care, so he and Mormon-Pepperoni took that as their que to strike up a conversation with me and Kenny.
These religious dingle-berries prey upon people’s common courtesy and natural inclination not to be totally rude to strangers and use it against them by preaching about things that they already know and obviously don’t care about, so when he started towards us I gave him the finger, told him what I thought of him while letting the dog stalk menancly into the yard growing with raised fur. Then they got the hint and left.
Kenny looks at me with raised eyebrows and I explained; All the Mormon kids have to do that crap or a year of missionary work overseas. They send the boys off preaching hoping that they wander away, because if all of the girls are married off to a few old men, then something obviously has to be done with the males of the same age; a large number of late teen/early twenties males not getting laid is a social time-bomb waiting to happen. Besides for that, what type of fucked-up society is that where only a select few limp-dicked old men get laid? They also have “Magic Underwear” which protects the anointed few from evil… pretty queer evil if underwear keeps it at bay, but whatevesies.
My point is that those two don’t even know why they are sweating their asses off in the Florida heat wearing fucking bicycle helmets, so I don’t care what they have to say.
In fact, it would probably have been nice if I told those two what time it is.
A couple of hours later coming back from Starbucks I see that same pair talking to a chunky blonde Cougar, and she was defiantly interested, just not in what they had to say. By the looks of it she had plans for both of them too. And they just stood there babbling away.
While riding away it struck me that by the end of the night that blonde was going to have a bicycle helmet clinched tightly between her thighs, beating the top of it with a wooden spoon while screaming “Mush!”…
And thus Mormon society relieves itself of two more young men…

Black Witchery is a local band from Winter Springs playing Blackened-Death metal.
I met them once at Josh’s, cool guys… actually I had been drinking and all I remember is saying something a little off-color and getting some fucked-up looks from them. OK, it was really off-color.
But anyway this band is great not only for the music and that they are locals, but they are also one of the old Black Metal bands that are lesser known, great all around.


Black Witchery@MySpace


Bongripper- Hippie Killer (2007)

Hippie Killer is a soaring, heady album, sativa-like, and if you’re not a head, chances are you won’t like this album. Mellow and long, it takes a level of relaxation to fully enjoy this release, but unlike The Great Barrier Reefer this is divided into songs and as the review on bandcamp says, there are more post-rock influences.
This masterpiece of stoner metal has so much going on musically it takes a few plays to fully appreciate the pleasant blending of sounds into a one long drifting work.

Here is a new unmastered track released this April;


Shataan- War Cry

Shataan is a Blackened band from California, part of the Black Twilight Circle. I added the category Blackened for this band because they are defiantly black metal influenced, but defiantly not black metal, or metal really. Which is why I am so fond of the Black Twilight Circle collective, they are producing new material with a new sound that is not a simple rehashing of old material.
Although Encyclopedia Metallum does list them, and as Black Metal, Shataan starts this album with a flute solo, grainy rainy background noise and goes on exploring territories that fall into depressive, folk, pagan, metal and screamo categories. It covers all that ground with an almost mystic twist that seems to be the Black Twilight Circle’s trademark sound, which sounds good and goes well because their albums are all cassette-only.

download war cry



Communication with SpaceC!!!


Thanks to Facebook we have managed to communicate with SpaceC! RK and I are formulating a rescue mission currenty. Well, after happy hour.
Here is a transcript of our communication;

SpaceC:  No mention of my phone and have you seen my wallet
Thursday, June 14, 2010 at 12:15pm

ApogeeMatt: no, no sign of your wallet. when are you writing this from? the past? is it via your phone? your past-phone? or your presemt-smart-phone? glad to hear you are OK wherever you are
Thursday, June 14, 2012 at 1:55pm

SpaceC: duh its 2010
Thursday, June 14, 2010 at 2:19pm

ApogeeMatt: ohh ok. be calm and dont worry we’re coming to get you.
Thursday, June 14, 2012 at 2:27pm

ApogeeMatt: by the way if you dont have anything else to do while waiting for is, would you mind cutting the lawn so the code-enforcement dick doesnt leave the notice to cut my grass that i got this morning?
Thursday, June 14, 2012 at 2:29pm

SpaceC: What year is this matt in
Thursday, June 14, 2010

ApogeeMatt: since you’re in 2010 and i’m in 2012, i am guessing it averages out to 2011.

4:19 SpaceC Rescue Mission to the PAST

RK and I built a time-machine to go to the past to look for SpaceC (and his phone). It is complex piece of engineering, so I’m not going to take the time to explain all of the technical specifications, but it does have “On” and “Off” buttons.
We will fearless journey to the past, and as always, document it LIVE, via YouTube. Now in High Definition.
SpaceC, don’t worry, we’re coming to get you.

The Toaster- Skaboom (1987)

The Toasters are often thought to be the first “Third-Wave” ska band (Wiki), with this being the first such album. I would go even further and say that their sound is so appealing and energetic that they sold the world on ska as a genre.
Third Wave Ska is universal music that brings a smile to one’s face. It’s happy music where the vocals often follow the lead of the instrumentals making Japanese or Spanish ska just as listenable and enjoyable as American bands.
I used to love Third Wave in high school, not to the extent of dressing in checkers and making a spectacle out of myself, but I was quite fond of the music. There must be a threshold for how many hours a person can truly enjoy Third Wave because now I can only listen to a few songs at a time…

download Skaboom

Also, last week’s YouTube-only Skatalites post had to be pulled down because some ass-clown who isn’t in the band complained. He was quite rude and that attitude surprised and insulted me because ska used to be a very friendly DIY scene, so I found another link to download the album, yet again, so that everyone can enjoy it.
Fans will naturally pay to see bands play, just as they will buy merchandise over the internet. Downloading music is not some cardinal-sin, it is just portrayed as such by non-musicians trying to makes a living off of the music industry and a few bands that can not seem to grasp economic realities. I mean there are still sound waves reverberating around from the Big-Bang for Christ’s sake! And these guys expect payment for canned sound??? So please, download and enjoy.
download the new Skatalites album,”Walk With Me”