Kuolemanlaakso- Musta aurinko nousee (2013)

Blackened references music that has a Black Metal-ish sound normally with screeched vocals and death growls typical of Death Metal. Not quite Black or Death Metal but somewhere in between.

Kuolemanlaakso is typical, almost classic Blackened Doom/Death Metal. The names means “Death Valley” in Finnish and by the way the band is from Finland. Good stuff, definitely worth checking out and this EP specifically rates a solid 90%.



dl (doom til death)

Dawn- Slaughtersun (1998)

Album reviews of 99% are gross exaggerations. Almost always. Going to Metallum for evidence I stop at the first review, utterly amazed.
Slaughtersun is definitely in the top 1% of all metal albums. Dawn is Swedish blackened-death metal and Slaughtersun came out in 1998 back when death and black metal were genres with well defined parameters. Yes, Metallum labels them as “melodic black metal and death metal”. That is wrong. Blackened-Death is a distinct sub-genre.

Back in 1998 there were two restrooms, male and female, no family restrooms. Trans-gender and gender-identity were not common terms and Black Metal had screeched vocals and tremolo riffs. That was not considered “melodic black metal”, it was just black metal. The change in terminology and labels does not help, it just makes everything more confusing. In the years since this album the black metal sound has been more thoroughly explored which explains the change in nomenclature. However, Slaughtersun is still blackened-death metal.

And what an example it is, a friend of mine played this CD on repeat for three days straight after it came out.


Dawn- Apparition demo (1992)

Ok, so the new Relationship Advice and Black Metal Wednesday was delayed in part because I decided on early Dawn for the metal half of the post. Dawn is a Swedish blackened death metal that I remember for their 1998 album, Slaughtersun, which is remarkable, a classic and one of the best albums ever. Brainstorming for Wednesdays post I got the idea to explore some of the older and lesser known blackened death metal releases. Blackened death came about in the early 90’s before black metal was a genre distinct from death metal and there were bands that blended elements of both, standing somewhere in the middle. While Dawn is better know for a later album, their early work are excellent and such a great sampling of that era and I didn’t want to limit it to just one release, so here is Dawn’s Apparition demo from 1992. Easy to leave on repeat, a classic and highly recommended, 90%.


Relationship Advice and Black Metal Wednesday; the Real Reason for Marriage and Goatwhore- Constricting Rage of the Merciless (2014)

Men rarely threaten divorce, yet it is the standard threat with women. Ever wonder why?
Marriage is an ancient custom designed to protect the woman and children before they were treated as citizens, which made sense. Modern society has turned women into equal citizens and paternity tests assign parental responsibility regardless of martial status. This freedom has made divorce an easy exit for women, which is fine, but that removes the main motivation for men to marry as well. Divorce is normally more expensive and detrimental towards the male, which means that the relationship will always be less secure for the man than it is for the woman. The ease of divorce and lack of real financial consequences for a woman seeking divorce means that for practical purposes marriage is a one sided street favoring the woman with few tangible benefits for the man other than pleasing his partner and opening himself up to financial headaches. Women know and deny this also, but during the worst arguments wives always threaten divorce, which revels their motivation for getting married.
The purpose of marriage in the modern era is to provide the woman with strategic high-ground during arguments. Women cloud the issue with different “points”, but the real reason for getting married is for the woman to have the upper hand during arguments and ultimately get her way. While dating, both partners are relative equals, which burns women’s souls as badly as a man smiling without them. Thus the reason why all girlfriends are angling, somehow, no matter how subtly, towards marriage.
Women burned their bras in their fight to be treated as equals, but now, forty years later, it’s clear that they have no desire to treat men as equals. This could explain why our forefathers resisted giving women voting rights.
Next week, I will explain why all women want the shower heads with the hose attachment.

Goatwhore’s new release Constricting Rage of the Merciless is great blackened death, plain and simple. Goatwhore has always put out quality albums and this is no exception. I’m not going to dissect it song by song like many of the Metallum reviews, if you like Goatwhore you’ll like this album.
If you haven’t heard them before, I highly recommend a listen, these guys are from Louisiana playing textbook blackened death metal and all of their albums are good enough to be left on repeat. 88%.



Relationship Advice and Black Metal Wednesday; Children Are Our Future, That’s Why We Are Going To Be Speaking Chinese and Belphegor- The Last Supper (1995)

Children are our future, and by the looks of today’s children we are going to be speaking Chinese in the nursing home. Seriously, these kid are coddled and can’t grasp anything unless there is some sort of digital interface involved. It is like these smart phones have become children’s interpreters to the rest of the world.
Our’s (The Loser Generation) is the generation that grew up in a mechanical world that turned digital, thus we are comfortable in both relms. Now a days the neighborhoods are quite, the streets clear because the children are all busy growing fat, parked in front of some digital device.
We were the last generation that was beaten, or at least not pampered too horribly. After watching a young mother spend five minutes looking at her son’s scraped knee I became convinced that if America’s defence depends on that kid at some point in the future, we’re screwed. The medics of the future are going to look like tribal porters carrying hundred pound packs of Band Aids around the battlefield treating every Owwie with a Band Aid and a kiss. For real, we need to order the Rosetta Stone to learn Chinese, because I seriously think in twenty years these wussies could be defeated in battle by a disiplined army using non-lethal force, like water cannons and seaweed.
I can see the headlines already-
“American Forces Routed Because Enemy Cheated and Used ‘The Icky Weapon'”, which would really just be a catapaulted mixture of earthworms, sour milk and old mustard.
The Iranians and North Koreans are wasting their time on nuclear research when all they need to do is raise their kids not to be wusses.

Belphegor’s The Last Supper is Austrian blackened death from 1995, complete with quasi-hair-metal riffs and old school death-growls. Despite being the band’s debut album their sound is well developed and not jagged as many band’s freshman albums sound. This isn’t the absolute best, but it is era and quite listenable. The second, screeching vocalist adds little to the overall sound other than cheese points, and the organs are unneeded, but overall it scores an 80%.


For the entire discography and another interesting blogspot, click HERE.


Random Download ; Absu- 3/31/1994 Rehearsal

Today is Random Downloads Day and today’s selection I found over at ascoven, an Absu rehearsal tape from 1994. This recording is slightly muddy and imperfect blackened death from Texas… This is a must have for the collector of early 90’s metal and fans of Absu. Excellent background music, lacking lyrics except for a couple songs, though not for everyone I really like it, 84%



Relationship Advice and Black Metal Wednesday; Middle Aged Moms and Immensité- demo (2012)

Children turn middle-aged women into gawking morons with no sense what so ever. Starbucks is a good place for observing this phenomena, because first off, bringing children into a coffee shop is worse than bringing them to a bar, and secondly, evolution made children dislike coffee so that they would not be murdered by cranky, half-awake adults first thing in the morning.
No one thinks children are “cute” before their morning coffee. Holding up the line in Starbucks is neither the time nor place to display fuck-trophies. Early in the morning children aren’t “miricles”, they’re the worst STD know to man. “No she can’t take the fucking cheese off the breakfast sandwich! Get your vaginal turd out of here and let me get my coffee in peace!”
Honestly, dogs have more place inside a coffe shop than children. True, dogs lick their butts, but children stick their fingers up theirs’, and at least most dog germs aren’t contagious to humans, where as children are just annoying petri dishes with brown fingers.

Immensité is blackened death metal from Salt Lake City whose songs are based on the poetry of Georges Batalle (ok…). A solo project, this was recorded last year and it’s a pretty good demo. The sound is more in vein with bands such as Undergang than Dawn leaning more towards old school death than what I would consider blackened death. Also, there is a stupid spoken word part, in yet another language that I don’t speak which adds nothing to a death metal album. Hate to be the one to point it out, but spoken word is stupid, especially on a death metal demo. Who wants to hear that?
This demo starts out strong but quickly fades into a quagmire of songs that are a bit too intense. There are good musical ideas being explored, it just seems that other musicians would help develop this solo-project into a really good band, 79%.



Finnish Death Metal: Belial- Wisdom of Darkness (1992)

Time for another round of the Random Tag Game! Today it’s “Finnish Death Metal” which has yielded Belial and a monstrous work of Blackened Death. Back in 1992 Black Metal hadn’t yet crystallized as a genre, it was growing out of death metal circles and this album captures that moment beautifully, with great blast beats and growled vocals, a stellar EP from a little known band; 92%.
Apparently they went in a somewhat mainstream direction later in the band’s career according to this Metallum review, but this release is defiantly quality.



Morbid- December Moon (1987)

Morbid was a blackened death/ thrash band from Sweden, formed in 1985 by
Dead, yes the same Dead who later joined Mayhem, who was also commented suicide with the note that read “Sorry about the mess” and was forever immortalized by the album cover Dawn of the Black Hearts.
This is classic in so far as it being Dead’s original band and that it showcases early Swedish death/thrash/black metal (1987), defiantly one for the collection, 89%.

shady dl link

Also here is a YouTube video of Year of the Goat which is a complation of all their work.


Relationship Advice and Black Metal Wednesday; Female Hobbies and Dissection- Storm of the Light’s Bane

For those who haven’t noticed, women don’t really have hobbies, not the way guys do anyway. Males have hobbies to relax and as a distraction from the rest of the day.
Most women don’t have hobbies and most of those that do are lesbians looking to play the “Who Can Find Charlie Tuna?” game with other weird looking lesbians, which is one of the four hobbies women have;
1. Sex
2. Children
3. Shopping/spending money
4. Torturing husband/boyfriend

The first two on the list are predetermined by nature for the continuation of the species, and the second two explain the expression “Idle hands are the devil’s workshop.”
Men can handle down-time, we find hobbies, it’s women who can’t deal with a spare moment.
If a woman has an idle moment, instantly the female mind becomes convinced something is wrong and looks for something to buy to alleviate the discomfort (Female Hobby #3).
Now if the female can go shopping unhindered everything will be fine (thus why that Trump brat is always so nice in interviews; she can shop as much as she wants).
Female Hobby #4 comes into play when the children get older, play by themselves and the credit cards get maxed out.
No children, no shopping, the only function of the female mind left is to uncover every conceivable reason why their husband/boyfriend is an asshole.
Armed with this knowledge men can defend themselves… well, not really. It is more like a chess game where the king avoids smiling around the queen.
Seriously, if a wife is idle and sees that her husband is also, the female mind will occupy itself with the problem of the idle husband…
Obviously he needs something to do or he’s an asshole.

Dissection is Swedish Blackened-Death metal and this is easily one of my favorite albums of all time and a black metal classic. This album is a snap-shot of the Black Metal scene in 1995, the riffs the cleaner production and the movement towards a symphonic sound layered on top of underlying death metal influences, building towards the Blackened-Thrash sound that is currently in vogue.
The band has split up due to the guitarist/vocalist deciding that he had accomplished enough;

Jon Nödtveidt (aged 31) shot and killed himself on August 16th, 2006. Swedish police found him in his apartment inside a circle of lit candles. It is believed that he killed himself because he felt he had achieved all that he could/was meant to in this life. According to some who actually knew him this was probably planned ever since he got out of jail.

The band first disbanded due to Jon Nödtveidt‘s accomplice to murder conviction. He was serving time in prison since 1997 until early 2004 and then reactivated the band.” (metallum)

download Storm of the Light’s Bane