Relationship Advice and Black Metal Wednesday; Identifying Patterns and Deep Mountains- Lake of Solace (2014)

Single women in their thirties can not follow instructions. I’m not being an asshole here because it’s an established pattern. If given a task or job with detailed instructions, they’ll follow most of them, but there will always be one or two details that are omitted or changed. And, they’ll go out of their way to explain why they know better than to follow all the instructions. Same thing if they’re told to do something by a male (boss, police officer, doctor, etc). They will always argue. It is instinctual. Telling a single woman what to do is like as dumping blood in the water near sharks. Like sharks they can’t control themselves in this frenzied state, which is the reason they are single. Instead of blood, though, it’s alcohol that often creates this frenzied state.
Most women who have been with the same man for a decade or more don’t make a habit of arguing and flipping out when they have been drinking. It’s that simple. By the time a single woman is in her thirties there have normally been a few major relationships that have failed, and alcohol is always in the details somewhere.
Like sharks, single women in their thirties fill a critical role in the ecosystem, I’m just not sure what it is. The moral of the story is use caution when dumping alcohol into middle aged women.

Lake of Solace is a Chinese horde playing atmospheric black metal that I couldn’t pass up for the fact that I’ve never heard of a Chinese black metal band before. Their freshman album received two glowing reviews on Metallum, which seemed hopeful. Halfway through Lake of Solace I was still not impressed. On the sixth track they try out some growled vocals, but the vocals were sung a couple tracks back. Then, there are some acoustic guitar parts…
Atmospheric Black Metal is a genre that can become boring or silly quite easily. The sound is a difficult one to manage, and honestly there are few bands that pull it off really well, Durkth and Burzum being the notable exceptions… and this is no exception to the rule. It’s all over the place, a mismatch of sounds and styles with little real flow as a band or as an album, 65%.

(Here is a classic Black Metal post with a download link.)

Gender Inequality and Dawn- promo demo (1993)

Educated women speak with confident authority about “Gender Inequality”, emphasizing things such as pay disparity in ultra high paying jobs such as CEO positions. It sounds sad and unfair, like some rement of the chauvinistic past. There are logical reasons for these things, however, women who speak of gender equality prefer the sad and unfair explanation because it blames men and doesn’t critise themselves or their actions. Women will argue for a woman’s right to take maternity leave in the same breath as Gender Inequality as if the two are totally unrelated.
Women don’t listen or follow instructions as well. Ask a woman to perform a task with detailed instructions. There will be multiple questions, several suggestions, it won’t get totally finished and will be late as well. The famous Soviet “Night Witches” was a WWII all female bombing squadron and a good case in point. The whole squadeon was late to the war because they weren’t ready for combat. Once they got to the war their first mission ended badly when two of the women got lost and were shot down, although, it is notable that they didn’t stop and ask for directions. The women tailored their uniforms to fit better and addressed each other by their first names. Of course, they were also told that they needed to be able to shoot as rifle well, and of course, when tested their uniforms looked great, but they couldn’t shoot very well. Eventually these brave women managed both to find the Germans and drop bombs on them, and to this day they remain a heroic explanation of gender inequality.

Last year was a bullshit year for Black Metal with few good albums and DSBM being more popular than ever. Frustrated, I looked backwards for an overlooked and unappreciated album? Dawn released a stunning blackened-death classic in (Slaughtersun 1998 that was a metal masterpiece that remains one of metals finest albums. However, that is all that they are known for, so, looking back at their great early years I found this demo from ’93. This was the era immediately before black metal and there were loads of bands playing great blackened-death and this is one of those early releases, 91%.


Relationship Advice and Black Metal Wednesday; Fishing at the beach and Bone Awl- Meaningless Noise (2007)

What would possess a person to put meat and blood into the water at a crowded beach?
Our society has pastoral roots and forgaging for food is still considered entertainment, but there is no logical reason to attract sharks to a public beach. Everyone has the right to enjoy the beach, but fishing at a crowded beach is the same mentality as pissing in the sink at a rest stop. Both are public areas open for all to use and there aren’t any official rules against either activity. Just like every other stupid idea, if there isn’t a sign specifically prohibiting it some jerk-off is going to do it, no matter how idiotic. Fishing at a crowded beach is almost always a white male activity, normally sober too, just dumb as fuck. Socially, this is the same mindset as driving slow in the left lane on the interstate with the basic idea being to use everyday public activities to annoy/anger as many other people as possible. It’s not like anyone seriously thinks they’re going to catch anything surf fishing in a crowded beach, it’s a public announcement that one was fondled as a child, didn’t like it, and are still trying to work through the emotions. While it’s sad these men were unwilling sex objects as children, but they’re still assholes for attracting sharks to the beach.

Bone Awl- Meaningless Noise

Raw, low fi USBM with harsh and jagged songs. For those who don’t know, Bone Awl is a pair of guys playing punk influenced black metal. Metal heads now a days will speak badly of these guys, making the typical elitist comments that arise when an “underground” band achieves any sort of fame. The reality of the matter is back in 2002 when their first release came out, black metal was still underground and no one had heard a release that was so raw, furious and well recorded in lofi since Burzum’s self-titled album ten years pior. Honestly, this is one of the bands that brought USBM scene into the modern Era of black metal, and they are really good, even though a bunch of other people like them as well. Meaningless Noiseisn’t their absolute best release, but it is still quite good, 88%.


Relationship Advice and Black Metal Wednesday; the Real Reason for Marriage and Goatwhore- Constricting Rage of the Merciless (2014)

Men rarely threaten divorce, yet it is the standard threat with women. Ever wonder why?
Marriage is an ancient custom designed to protect the woman and children before they were treated as citizens, which made sense. Modern society has turned women into equal citizens and paternity tests assign parental responsibility regardless of martial status. This freedom has made divorce an easy exit for women, which is fine, but that removes the main motivation for men to marry as well. Divorce is normally more expensive and detrimental towards the male, which means that the relationship will always be less secure for the man than it is for the woman. The ease of divorce and lack of real financial consequences for a woman seeking divorce means that for practical purposes marriage is a one sided street favoring the woman with few tangible benefits for the man other than pleasing his partner and opening himself up to financial headaches. Women know and deny this also, but during the worst arguments wives always threaten divorce, which revels their motivation for getting married.
The purpose of marriage in the modern era is to provide the woman with strategic high-ground during arguments. Women cloud the issue with different “points”, but the real reason for getting married is for the woman to have the upper hand during arguments and ultimately get her way. While dating, both partners are relative equals, which burns women’s souls as badly as a man smiling without them. Thus the reason why all girlfriends are angling, somehow, no matter how subtly, towards marriage.
Women burned their bras in their fight to be treated as equals, but now, forty years later, it’s clear that they have no desire to treat men as equals. This could explain why our forefathers resisted giving women voting rights.
Next week, I will explain why all women want the shower heads with the hose attachment.

Goatwhore’s new release Constricting Rage of the Merciless is great blackened death, plain and simple. Goatwhore has always put out quality albums and this is no exception. I’m not going to dissect it song by song like many of the Metallum reviews, if you like Goatwhore you’ll like this album.
If you haven’t heard them before, I highly recommend a listen, these guys are from Louisiana playing textbook blackened death metal and all of their albums are good enough to be left on repeat. 88%.



Relationship Advice and Black Metal Wednesday – Orlando, City of the Half-Ass and Propast- Věstnik Preispodnji (2013)

Orlando is the town of the half-assed. It’s true. Everything here is done almost all the way. The heat and humidity permeate people’s souls to the point that the last 5% of any project becomes an enormous hurtle that never seems to get done. It doesn’t matter if the project is inside and in the air conditioning, the swamp seems to leave brain residue.
Everywhere I go in this city I see shit that’s mostly done. The commuter train doesn’t run on weekends and only twice in the middle of the day. Repairs on houses and buildings are finished, except for being painted. Bondo, tri-colored cars and tarps as permanent roofing are all the fashion in this town. And paddle boards.
UCF gives a Salt Life sticker and a paddle board with every degree earned. Every half-asser in the greater Orlando area has a paddle board. It’s really the perfect activity for the someone who wants a sense of gratification with a minimal amount of skill and effort. I guess standing on a ten foot by three foot piece of foam holding a broken kayak paddle takes some skill and coordination, but so does walking.
And, after writing all this crap about Orlando being the land of the half ass, I realize this post is a week late. Whatever. It’s warm here and at least everything is mostly done… it’s like we’re waiting for an invasion of ambitious people to come and finish everything.

Propast is Serbian black metal, pure and raw. Blast beats, vocals shrieked in Serbian, tremolo guitar riffs, 90% and highly recommended.



Relationship and Black Metal Advice Wednesday- The Secret Sexist Conspiracy and Wolves in the Throne Room- Black Cascade (2009)

Women think that they are perceived as stupid for reasons other than their words and actions. Seriously. They think that there is some hidden, sexist conspiracy, plotting to repress their talents. It’s a near universal trait among women also. If a woman thinks another is stupid, she’s labeled a bitch, if a man does, he’s sexist. I’ve never heard a woman say, “He/she thinks I’m dumb because I said something really stupid”. It’s like those Sex in the City whores, they spend years fucking every guy they can and then can’t figure out why they haven’t found Mr Right. Never occurs to any of them that they’re doing something wrong themselves. I think the whole series ended happily with all of their vocal chords being surgically removed. It’s either that or they all dry up and learn how to cook, I can’t remember.
Honestly, listening to a woman try and discern why she is viewed as stupid is like watching a dog chasing it’s tail.

Ok, my last review of Wolves in the Throne Room was luke warm and I haven’t listened to them much since, but there was a time when I was a fan and listening to this album again brought me back around. Yes, there is a trendiness about them, but a few of their albums are really, really good too. A duo hailing from Washington state, signed to Southern Lord Records and playing masterful USBM, they defiantly fall into the realm of “true black metal”.
WitTR has a refined sound that leans towards symphonic and assuredly not lo fi, so heavy use is made of synthesizers. In Black Cascade the synths are subdued and not overpowering, unlike some of their releases… Really, they are hit and miss and always have been. The first demo was epic (I’m doing a post about it next month), but the second demo was disappointing, but their next two releases, Diadem of 12 Stars and Two Hunters were great. Black Cascade has solid guitar and drum pieces that aren’t drowned out by the synthesizers and rates a 88%, recommended and WitTR is defiantly a “should hear” band for any modern metal head.

DL Wolves in the Throne Room


Relationship Advice and Black Metal Wednesday Friday- Tornado “Victims” and Agalloch- The Serpent and The Sphere (2014)

Tornado victims in the Midwest… seriously? These people live in places like Nebraska and Iowa and Oklahoma, tornados are the most excitement those people see. Honestly, for those who survived uninjured the excitement probably did their hearts some good. I can’t imagine most of the “victims'” pulses ever reaching 100 bpm under normal circumstances. Not to sound crass, but what are they victims of? Missing Duck Dynasty?
Most of the damaged and destroyed building are at least 40 years old and probably needed to be torn down and rebuilt. These people live in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do anyway. What? We’re supposed to feel sorry for them because they have to do something constructive? Ohh no! The Pumpkin Chuckin tournament can be delayed for a couple years while those goobers rebuild (according to current building codes and with modern material). It”ll be ok, seriously, it literally took an Act of God to make those clowns insulate their buildings properly.
I have a hard time feeling sorry for people because something exciting happened to them… for the first time in fifty years.

Agalloch. Cosmic Hearse was the blog that got really me interested in the music blogging world. I’d sit for hours downloading music that dude posted. A really great blog full of good music. The author, Aesop, is the drummer in a couple of bands, including Agalloch, which is something like blackened atmospheric folk.
Honestly, I don’t get this band. Everyone loves them, they’re well respected and play at really impressive venues, but I am always left wondering what the hype is about. I thought that this album might enlighten me to their greatness, but no, still don’t get it. They bounce around between genres and the vocals are a bit too dramatic. The less appealing aspects of folk and black metal seem to have been merged into a hybrid band that plays well but just doesn’t sound right… They must be epic live. That’s the only conclusion I can draw because this album leaves me flat, 75%.



Relationship Advice and Black Metal Wednesday Thursday; Commuter Rail, Pink Elephants and Urzeit s/t (2013)

Writing this late, again, but today is the day commuter rail arrives in Central Florida! I am writing this as I commute! To my surprise it is crowded, though, Floridians are clearly not used to being in close confines with one another, but it’ll be ok. Today is the day Orlando stops being such a small town.

Single woman in their thirties are the pink elephant in the room. Women’s Liberation has left many women of our generation with a twisted set of ideas, among them is the premise that a single woman is proving something just by being single. Women have been indoctrinated with feminist talking points since a young age so even the married ones can’t see the forest because of these trees. A single woman in her twenties doesn’t necessarily fit a stereotype , but by the time they are in their thirties the patterns can’t be ignored. Life isn’t easier or cheaper being single, so the reason isn’t rooted in logic. By the time a single woman hits thirty she has had a couple of adult relationships and moved on, which is fine, but the pattern of behavior implies a degree of stupidity and rudeness. Granted, it is also implied they know how to have a good time in bed and most of them can run up a healthy bar tab as well.
Regardless of what they say, most single women in their thirties want to be single, and, they’ll prove it through their actions. Which is fine, most of them are genuinely nice ladies, when they’re drunk. But, don’t expect to be with them forever and ever.
One time I found an abandoned poodle/terrier mix and feeling bad for the cute little dog I brought it home. Within a year that dog had bitten me so badly globules of fat were hanging out of my finger. Clearly, someone had dumped that dog for a reason and single, thirty something women fit into a similar category.

The quest of the new black metal has yielded better results this week in the form of Urzeitnd their self titled demo from last year. The demo starts out with blast beats, tremolo guitar riffs and screamed vocals leaving the listener that it is Black Metal of the highest order. And it’s new. Short and tremendous, 93%.
Black Metal isn’t dead.

DL Urzeit (2013)


Relationship Advice and Black Metal Wednesday Saturday- Smart Phones, Reality TV and the Quest of the new Black Metal; Thantifaxath- Sacred White Noise (2014)

A couple days late…
Blocking doorways and asles is a good indication of a moron, it’s on the rise and its all because of smart phones. There’s no getting around it, and nine times out of ten these clowns are going to be holding a smart phone. It’s as if they are the only people in the universe, adrift in a sea we call the grocery. Smart phones have ruined a generation that was already pretty worthless and are causing societies to degrade, the idiots are becoming dumber and more numerous, all because of the smart phone.
Along with the technological convenience of these phones comes the popularity of Duck Dynasty along the general dumbing down of American, and western society in general. Duck Dynasty is the televised version of crystal meth, rotting holes in minds already addled by smart phones and reality TV. At this point it is obvious the methamphetamine problem and Duck Dynasty are symptoms of a problem and not the cause of it. Television might has dumbed us down, but the smart phone kicked the average American over the edge into the abyss of total retardation.
The average American doesn’t want to think. Its hard. They spend 40 hours a week being told what to do by an employer and the remainder of the time they are told what to do by their phones. It’s easier this way. No need to waste time with difficult and time consuming thinking.
Reality TV is merely filming how people act out of cell phone range and calling it entertainment.

I wrote this section of the post late and in my rush to brainstorm it struck me that after 62 posts and in the year 2014, there is not much new to add to black metal.
Most of the notables I have already touched upon and now I’d like to write about new bands and the direction of the genre (as my phone battery goes down to 30%).
Supposing that if enough metal heads are talking about a band then there should be something worth reporting, I start the quest at Encyclopedia Metallum. While not the end-all authority on metal it is a good place to start, or so I thought. It seems there is no general consensus on the direction of black metal among the blogosphere’s leading metalheads. Perhaps Burzum’s album Belrus is the period at the end of the Black Metal sentence.
Bandcamp seems to be the face of new music so I renew the quest there, with bands sorted by popularity. Among the top five “Black Metal” bands I find Thantifaxath, a Canadian trio, with reviews claiming they’re, basically, “true black metal”, which sounds promising along with a decent review on Metallum of their first release.

Strike. Way too clean sounding, too generic and all over the place, and the vocals lean more towards doom than black metal. Even with the questionable vocals this brand new album is “true” black metal without a doubt… but it is basically a black metal album put to a technical death metal format also, 77%.
So the quest continues with the hope that black metal isn’t dead.


Relationship Advice and Black Metal Wednesday Don’t Threaten Me With a Good Time And Lake of Blood; The Burial Ground sessions (2012)

A woman threatening to leave is like a dog running away that isn’t house broken. Ever since “Women’s Liberation” the American media and pop culture has venerated the strong woman, which means boisterous and rude most of the time. Seriously, I don’t know any women that are both empowered and nice. It seems that “civil” and “empowered” go together like oil and water.
One of the hallmark moves of these women is to dramatically leave a man. The reasons don’t matter so much as the observation that these women make a habit of doing such things. If an adult dog still pees in the house, and isn’t sick, there is no logical reason to believe that the dog won’t continue to pee on the floor in the future… If a woman is in her thirties and has already left several men before, the logical conclusion is that she doesn’t want to be married and her “reasons” for leaving in the past are really just excuses for doing what she wanted to do anyway. Which is fine, but the real issue is being confused by listening to what the woman is saying.
Taking a step back and examining it logically, it really doesn’t matter if the dog is barking or not after it pees on the floor and a woman who makes a habit out of leaving when she gets angry is still a woman who is in the habit of leaving when she gets upset. Reasons and excuses don’t change this pattern. Men get confused because they understand the barking, but just because we understand what women are saying doesn’t mean they’re correct. Seriously, would everyone suddenly stop housebreaking their pets if suddenly the animal could explain why they urinated inside?
Leaving? Ohh no! Don’t threaten me with a good time.

Lake of Blood is USBM out of LA putting forth this two track release, which isn’t ambient and is pretty good. So much new Black Metal isn’t really black metal at all but some conglomeration of dark ambient or thrash, which isn’t bad, just not the classic sound from fifteen, twenty years ago. This EP however, retains that classic sound without being a simplistic copy of some other band’s sound. The sound is somewhat unrefined and a bit too clean, but defiantly a solid demo, 80%.