Reltationship Advice and Black Metal Wednesday; The Snowboarder’s Dirty Thumb, the book “How to Be a Woman” by Some Dame and Bone Awl

Yet again it is Relationship Advice Wednesday, and this week in an effort to broaden my literary horizons I have included a book review this week in addition to the relationship tirade.
There was an intriguing letter in this week’s Savage Love which I feel compelled to answer, I’ll paraphrase;

I’m a twenty-something professional snowboarder, its hard for me to talk about, but when I touch myself I use both hands, ie, “the Invisible Towel” meathod (I jerk it while sticking my thumb up my ass). When I am not alone and with a girl, no matter how hard I try I have to stick my thumb up my poop-shoot in order to shoot my load. I’m not gay, I just like my thumb up my own ass.
Last night a Snow-Slut caught me poking myself as I was poking her and now I am scared she is going to tell all the other pro snowboarders that I like to make “The Beast with Two Backs…and a Tumb.
What do I do?
-Washing His Right Hand A Lot

First off, what makes you think that all the other pro snowboarders don’t do The Invisible Towel also? Seriously, you people make a living out of being cold and hanging out in the cold… Just a shot in the dark here, but it sounds like all of you like standing around with your thumbs up your asses, so don’t sweat it until one of your snow bros brings up “Sword Fighting”.
As for the Snow-Sluts talking, yes, all women talk, but it is not as bad as you are thinking; Professional snowboarders aren’t known as intellectuals and she is likely just telling her friends that you are a moron, not a freak. I’m guessing something like this- “That dumb motherfucker tried to get kinky with me, got confused and ended up with his thumb up his own ass!”
Honestly, be thankful this is the worst problem in your life at the moment. A butt-plug and a bottle of hand sanatinizer is the obvious solution and since you had to be told this, I would advise you to save as much of your earnings as you possibly can, don’t ask why, just trust me on that point.
Have fun, and don’t let anyone ever say that you need to wear a helmet… Not trying to be mean, but I will point out that your mom likely caught on to your innovate style of jerking off long ago, which I’m sure worried her enough, but your snowboarding “career” is likey more embarrassing for your parents.
I mean seriously, you can’t crack one off without a drain-plug, no big deal, and it is funny. Real funny. So what? Fuck what other people think, wash your hands and have a good time.

How to Be a Woman; She complains about her bra. That’s how to be a woman. Complain.